In an effort to continue to be transparent, I want all of you to know that there is an area that I have been struggling in lately. I have been cheating my family.
I have been going through a stretch over the last 10 days or so where I have a lot of obligations in the evenings that take me away from my family. I don’t like being away from Shalon and the kids but I struggle with feelings of duty, responsibility, obligation and ambition. I say that I value my family ahead of my church ministry, but I’m not sure if my recent schedule backs that claim up. I have been away too much at night, not allowing us to really have time as a family.
Andy Stanley wrote a book called Choosing To Cheat: Who wins when family and work collide, that speaks to this very issue. Stanley’s main point is that we cannot give everyone everything that they want from us (work, friends, family), we are going to have to cheat somebody. So let’s make sure that we don’t cheat our families. It’s a short read, but an excellent book. I read it about a year ago, but I just picked it up again this morning to re-read. More than anything I want to be a good husband and father. I show what I value by where I invest my time.
Accountability: I am committing to having no more than 2 nights(maximum) a week filled with obligations. This includes the small group that I lead that meets once a week. I think that this is reasonable and gives my family the priority that they deserve. I will not cheat my family.
What do you think?
Is this something that you struggle with?
What has helped you in this area?
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3. February 2010 at 3:50 pm
Definitely something I try to deal with. I have immersed myself in my kids' sports but as for daily time at home, I let that slip. I don't work necessarily but I just do my own thing like read or walk on the treadmill. I think there needs to be a time where we can focus as a family and do something like play a game or do homework together or something.
3. February 2010 at 3:58 pm
Matt–Great comment. That's another part of the struggle, when we're home to really engage with our families.
3. February 2010 at 11:10 pm
It's an interesting situation Jeff. My daughter is 19 months old so when I'm home and she's awake I cant get time to myself to read or whatever because she constantly wants my attention. I love giving it to her but I find that I have very little time to do the things that I need to do to relax. When my daughter is in bed then I need to spend time with my wife, again something I love to do but I find it really hard to find time for myself.
I made a conscious decision when Anabelle was born to cut back on my extra activities that took me away from home at night (I'm a musician and havent been able to play regularly either at gigs, church or at home for almost 2 years) and I'm fortunate to be in a position to do that because it doesnt affect my job. With a second child on the way, how do you find the balance between working fulltime, spending time with myfamily and wife and doing what I need to do on my own to relax and renew?
4. February 2010 at 2:11 am
Ed- Finding that balance is very difficult to do and something that I find I have to continually revisit. Just when I think I've got it figured out something changes that starts to eat away at the balance. I think it's important to plan for regular times of evaluation, where you take a step back and just look at where your schedule is at and where you are at personally. Then you can see if there are any adjustments that need to be made. It definitely requires constant attention.
4. February 2010 at 2:17 pm
Jeff, I have had this strugle with balance for many years. This came to a head in the early 1980's when my wife gave me a wake up call. She shared the importance of keeping the family unit together. I believed I needed to work around the clock to be ra good provider. I did not consider her feelings and the potential of not seeing the children grow. I was insecure with myself and blinded by the fact that there is never enough money. I didn't see an emotional side to raising a family. Chris and I came to a compormise that met our needs. Our children have grown and moved on. I used to feel guilty as if I short changed the children. I spoke to them individually and shared how I felt and they said: "Your the best dad anyone could have had"
4. February 2010 at 2:59 pm
Frank – I think that it's something that every family has to figure out for themselves, every situation is a little bit different. I'm glad that you guys found a balance. It's great to have you as part of the community here!